The Vampire's Assistant (2009)
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The Vampire's Assistant 2009 Synopsis:
The Vampire's Assistant tells the frightening tale of a boy who unknowingly breaks a 200-year-old truce between two warring factions of vampires. Pulled into a fantastic life of misunderstood sideshow freaks and grotesque creatures of the night, one teen will vanish from the safety of a boring existence and fulfill his destiny in a place drawn from nightmares.
14-year-old Darren (Chris Massoglia) was like most kids in his suburban neighborhood. He hung out with his best friend, got decent grades and usually stayed out of trouble. But when he and his buddy stumble upon a traveling freak show, things begin to change inside Darren. That’s the exact moment when a vampire named Larten Crepsley (John C. Reilly) turns him into something, well, bloodthirsty.
Starring:
Chris Massoglia,
John C. Reilly,
Ken Watanabe,
Salma Hayek,
Willem Dafoe,
Patrick Fugit,
Orlando Jones,
Jane Krakowski,
Josh Hutcherson,
Ray Stevenson,
Michael Cerveris,
Frankie Faison,
Kristen Schaal
Director:
Paul Weitz
Screenwriter:
Brian Helgeland,
Paul Weitz
Producer:
Lauren Shuler Donner,
Paul Weitz, Jack Leslie
Composer:
Stephen Trask
Studio:
Universal Pictures
The Vampire's Assistant 2009 Reviews:
September 28, 2009 - With the likes of Twilight and True Blood proving that vampires are big business at the moment, it's no surprise to see an adaptation of Darren Shan's hugely popular Cirque du Freak novels reaching the big screen.
Loosely based on the first three of the now 12-book series, the story revolves around Darren (Chris Massoglia), a 16-year-old living in an unremarkable suburb and leading an unremarkable life. He's the kind of kid that gets good grades, never cuts class, and always listens to his parents, which is a source of great frustration for his more rebellious best friend Steve (Josh Hutcherson).
In an effort to mix things up a bit, the dynamic duo decide to visit the town's newly arrived freak show, and are soon enjoying unusual performances from the likes of a singing snake-boy, a ball-scratching wolf-boy, a blond with a nifty line in appendage growth, and Salma Hayek in a beard.
More interesting to the lads is Larten Crepsley however, a spider-charming prankster whom they immediately identify as a vampire. Steve begs Larten to turn him into a bloodsucker, but following a complex chain of events, it's Darren who ends up joining the ranks of the undead, landing the job of vampire's assistant and becoming a member of the traveling Cirque du Freak.
What follows is a fun-filled tale of wish-fulfillment as Darren enters a world of super-speed and super-strength where life is long and parents don't exist. Larten is Darren's guide through this universe, teaching him the tricks of the trade and the rules by which a peaceful vampire lives his life, and as played by John C. Reilly, he steals every scene in which he appears.
A centuries-old vamp, Crepsley has seen and done it all, and having witnessed first-hand the very worst of human nature, he exudes a marvellously funny cynicism.
Do we really need another vampire movie? Well, this one is based on a popular tweener series of a dozen books by British writer Darren Shan. Director and co-writer Paul Weitz claims he loves the series, and Weitz’s credits — he and his brother Chris Weitz gave us American Pie and About a Boy — got my attention. (Watch Peter Travers review Cirque du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant in his weekly series, "At the Movies With Peter Travers".) But the mess onscreen does no one any favors. The Cirque du Freak itself has flavor with sexy Salma Hayek as the bearded lady, 30 Rock’s Jane Krakowski as a limb regenerator and especially stage actor supreme Michael Cerveris (Tommy, Sweeney Todd), swathed in foam rubber as the fatso villain, Mr. Tiny. Newcomer Chris Massoglia plays Darren, the blind teen who gets involved with the freaks (it’s not that I can’t tell you how, I just don’t want to). But Darren does get bitten by redheaded vampire Larten Crepsley (John C. Reilly, giving the film the few laughs it has). Actually, Darren is only halfbitten. Hell, I’m not explaining that, either. All you need to know is that the movie is a setup for sequels that I hope never come. Jammed with story threads that don’t cohere, Cirque commits the cardinal sin for a vampire movie: It’s bloodless.
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