the Vampire's Assistant 2009

The Vampire's Assistant (2009)

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The Vampire's Assistant 2009 Synopsis: 

The Vampire's Assistant tells the frightening tale of a boy who unknowingly breaks a 200-year-old truce between two warring factions of vampires. Pulled into a fantastic life of misunderstood sideshow freaks and grotesque creatures of the night, one teen will vanish from the safety of a boring existence and fulfill his destiny in a place drawn from nightmares.
14-year-old Darren (Chris Massoglia) was like most kids in his suburban neighborhood. He hung out with his best friend, got decent grades and usually stayed out of trouble. But when he and his buddy stumble upon a traveling freak show, things begin to change inside Darren. That’s the exact moment when a vampire named Larten Crepsley (John C. Reilly) turns him into something, well, bloodthirsty.

Starring: 

Chris Massoglia, 

John C. Reilly, 

Ken Watanabe, 

Salma Hayek, 

Willem Dafoe, 

Patrick Fugit, 

Orlando Jones, 

Jane Krakowski, 

Josh Hutcherson, 

Ray Stevenson, 

Michael Cerveris, 

Frankie Faison, 

Kristen Schaal
 

Director: 

Paul Weitz
 

Screenwriter: 

Brian Helgeland, 

Paul Weitz
 

Producer: 

Lauren Shuler Donner, 

Paul Weitz, Jack Leslie
 

Composer: 

Stephen Trask
 

Studio: 

Universal Pictures

The Vampire's Assistant 2009 Reviews:

September 28, 2009 - With the likes of Twilight and True Blood proving that vampires are big business at the moment, it's no surprise to see an adaptation of Darren Shan's hugely popular Cirque du Freak novels reaching the big screen.

Loosely based on the first three of the now 12-book series, the story revolves around Darren (Chris Massoglia), a 16-year-old living in an unremarkable suburb and leading an unremarkable life. He's the kind of kid that gets good grades, never cuts class, and always listens to his parents, which is a source of great frustration for his more rebellious best friend Steve (Josh Hutcherson).

In an effort to mix things up a bit, the dynamic duo decide to visit the town's newly arrived freak show, and are soon enjoying unusual performances from the likes of a singing snake-boy, a ball-scratching wolf-boy, a blond with a nifty line in appendage growth, and Salma Hayek in a beard.

More interesting to the lads is Larten Crepsley however, a spider-charming prankster whom they immediately identify as a vampire. Steve begs Larten to turn him into a bloodsucker, but following a complex chain of events, it's Darren who ends up joining the ranks of the undead, landing the job of vampire's assistant and becoming a member of the traveling Cirque du Freak.

What follows is a fun-filled tale of wish-fulfillment as Darren enters a world of super-speed and super-strength where life is long and parents don't exist. Larten is Darren's guide through this universe, teaching him the tricks of the trade and the rules by which a peaceful vampire lives his life, and as played by John C. Reilly, he steals every scene in which he appears.

A centuries-old vamp, Crepsley has seen and done it all, and having witnessed first-hand the very worst of human nature, he exudes a marvellously funny cynicism. 

Do we really need another vampire movie? Well, this one is based on a popular tweener series of a dozen books by British writer Darren Shan. Director and co-writer Paul Weitz claims he loves the series, and Weitz’s credits — he and his brother Chris Weitz gave us American Pie and About a Boy — got my attention. (Watch Peter Travers review Cirque du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant in his weekly series, "At the Movies With Peter Travers".) But the mess onscreen does no one any favors. The Cirque du Freak itself has flavor with sexy Salma Hayek as the bearded lady, 30 Rock’s Jane Krakowski as a limb regenerator and especially stage actor supreme Michael Cerveris (Tommy, Sweeney Todd), swathed in foam rubber as the fatso villain, Mr. Tiny. Newcomer Chris Massoglia plays Darren, the blind teen who gets involved with the freaks (it’s not that I can’t tell you how, I just don’t want to). But Darren does get bitten by redheaded vampire Larten Crepsley (John C. Reilly, giving the film the few laughs it has). Actually, Darren is only halfbitten. Hell, I’m not explaining that, either. All you need to know is that the movie is a setup for sequels that I hope never come. Jammed with story threads that don’t cohere, Cirque commits the cardinal sin for a vampire movie: It’s bloodless.

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Hellhounds 2009

Hellhounds 2009

 

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Hellhounds (2009) Starring:

Scott Elrod, Amanda Brooks, James A. Woods, Adam Butcher, Ben Cross

Directed by 

Ricky Schroder

Hellhounds (2009) Reviews:

Ancient Greece: the royal wedding between lovebirds Kleitos (vanilla generi-hunk Scott Elrod) and Demetria (Amanda Brooks, determined to prove her lifeless performance in Dragon Wars was not just the fault of an inept Korean filmmaker) takes a tragic turn when the bride-to-be is poisoned by a jealous rival. Demetria now finds herself imprisoned in the underworld where she walks around an awful lot looking more confused than frightened. The evil god of the Underworld, Hades, dressed in his finest Rancor Monster Trainer attire, wants to keep Demetria as his own personal virgin love slave.

With the blessing of Demetria's kingly father (Ben Cross, long removed from his Chariots of Fire glory days), Kleitos embarks on a treacherous rescue mission into the Underworld that could end in his and a few loyal comrades-in-arms, including his Greek god know-it-all scholarly wimp of a kid brother, being trapped in an afterlife of eternal torment.

This is the sort of movie that Ray Harryhausen could make in his sleep. I wish he would watch Hellhounds; the film is so boring it would probably put him to sleep, and during that period he might take me up on that previous sentence. This is also the same type of fantasy-adventure-horror hybrid that "Hercules: The Legendary Journeys" and "Xena: Warrior Princess" pulled off with considerably more enthusiasm and excitement on a weekly basis. To watch Hellhounds is to wonder if director Ricky Schroder (yes, that Ricky Schroder!) or anyone else involved on the production side had ever seen a Harryhausen movie or a single episode of "Hercules" and "Xena" ... or any sword & sandal fantasy film for that matter. Hellhounds should have been titled "Lack of the Titans" because it lacks everything that makes a Greek mythology movie fun to watch.

Bad actors in togas walk to the Underworld, and then they walk about the Underworld. Confrontations that require more physicality than mere walking are few and far between. Locating the princess in this cavernous afterlife on this quest that was hyped up as allegedly perilous proves surprisingly simple. Then they return to the surface world to walk around some more. An annoyed Hades stands around and orders his canine minions to go after them. A few brief sword fights and fleeing from the brief appearances of the titular hellhounds are the only times when any of these characters appear to even break a sweat.

I won't point fingers at the screenwriters because I know the film was produced in part by RHI Entertainment, and given my experience watching their contributions to the Sci-Fi Channel's canon, it would appear they mandate screenwriters adhere to a strict policy of keeping their films as simplistically formulaic as possible in order to guarantee maximum blandness. After sitting through this latest dog of theirs, I'm strongly considering boycotting any future films that I know RHI had a hand in the production of outside of merely serving as a distributor. I'll take a poorly made b-movie that makes me roll my eyes over a dull workmanlike production so hopelessly banal it makes my eyes glaze over.

As for the lame title creatures, Hades' non-three-headed canine minions are abysmally computer animated hounds with saber-toothed fangs and glowing eyes. A pack of satanic Marmadukes would have been more frightening.

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Legion 2010

Legion 2010

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Movie Description:

When God loses faith in humankind, he sends his legion of angels to bring on the Apocalypse. Humanity's only hope lies in a group of strangers trapped in a desert diner with the Archangel Michael. CAM VERSION - BETTER QUALITY WILL BE POSTED AS SOON AS IT IS AVAILABLE.

Movie Reviews:

ON JANUARY 22, 2010

Angels with machineguns? More like ex-angel with machineguns. As in, one lonely angel against the armies of God. Who ya got?

In this case, the fallen angel is one Michael (Paul Bettany, taking a break from more high-minded stuff to go genre), who has gone rogue in order to save mankind. As Michael relates, God has given up on us lowly humans, and has sent his angels down to Earth to take out the trash. It’s not an apocalypse, with rain, fire, brimstone and all that good stuff, but more of an extermination, and the angels are God’s exterminators. The first to go are the weak-minded among us, who are taken as vessels by the angels to do the dirty work. So basically you’re screwed if you watch the E! Channel for more than 10 minutes a day, or thinks “Two and a Half Men” is funny. Zing! But back to our movie.

A wingless Michael lands in L.A. in the midst of God’s housecleaning, promptly grabs two duffel bags fill with machineguns, and hightails it out into the California desert. Meanwhile, at the lonely, isolated diner of Paradise Falls, gimpy proprietor Bob (Dennis Quaid) and his son Jeep (Lucas Black) eke out a miserable existence, both financially and emotionally. Jeep only has eyes for Charlie (Adrianne Palicki), a waitress at the diner who is eight months pregnant, the father of the child having gone with the wind. It’s here at Paradise Falls that the final battle for mankind is about to take place, involving a select group of disparate people, including lost traveler Kyle (Tyrese Gibson), short order cook Percy (Charles S. Dutton), and couple Howard (Jon Tenney) and Sandra (Kate Walsh) and their rebellious daughter Audrey (Willa Holland).

Parts “The Prophecy” and parts “Terminator”, “Legion” is not what you would call overly original. Co-written and directed by former special effectsman Scott Stewart, the film follows the plot beats of James Cameron’s two “Terminator” films so closely that I half expected to see Cameron’s name in the credits. Whereas Cameron concerned himself with time travel and unstoppable cyborgs, “Legion” goes the supernatural route, with possessed humans and a winged angel (Kevin Durand) armed with a tricked out mace. But unlike Cameron, Stewart doesn’t quite seem to have his bad guys all figured out. The legion of angel-possessed attackers, in particular, are incredibly easy to kill and their abilities vary greatly. Sometimes they are inhumanely fast and can defy gravity, and other times they act like hooligans that can be taken down with a single punch to the face. A perfect example: Doug Jones has a cameo as a possessed ice cream man who gets taken out a minute after showing up.

“Legion” starts off with a bang, but does lose a lot of steam in the middle part, where Stewart, a first-time feature film writer/director bogs the narrative down with so much pointless character pathos that each time one character gets his five minutes to recount something from his youth, it invariably leads to another character getting his five minutes. There are a lot of five minute moments during this part of the movie. It’s very rare that a horror movie (or an action movie) takes so much time out to “get to know” its characters, but let’s face it, there’s a reason why we don’t really need to know too much about these people. For one, they’re fodder, to be picked off as the film goes along; and secondly, they just don’t matter in the larger scheme of things. Besides, Stewart kills the characters off in such “blink and they’re dead” moments that you wonder why we even bothered to learn their names in the first place, much less where and how they grew up.

One of “Legion’s” main draw for me was seeing dramatic actor Paul Bettany try his hand at an action role. It’s no wonder Stewart quickly cast Bettany in his upcoming film, the horror-action movie “Priest”, because Bettany has just the right combination of leading man good looks, physicality, and acting chops that most actors in the genre simply lacks even at the pinnacle of their career. Bettany easily and effortlessly brings all of that to bear the first time out. The added benefit is that he looks just as credible taking a punch and going Rambo as he is delivering some of Stewart’s very earnest lines. Without a doubt, Bettany’s presence keeps “Legion” from being forgettable. Don’t get me wrong, this is a film that may eventually find a loyal following on DVD or cable, but I’m doubtful it will stick in the general consciousness long after it’s faded from theaters.

“Legion” has assembled a nice, balanced cast of newcomers and old vets to surround Bettany. Dennis Quaid and Charles S. Dutton keep the kids honest, and the film is better for it. I would have liked to see more done with the various characters, especially Dutton and Quaid’s, but I suppose the story was always going to be about Adrianne Palicki’s Charlie and Lucas Black’s Jeep, with everyone else providing filler material. Although I like Black and Palicki (“Friday Night Lights”), they are mostly overshadowed by the explosions, flying bullet casings, and Paul Bettany keeping everyone alive. Stewart pulls a last-minute deus ex machina towards the end that I found to be unnecessary because it doesn’t work in the context of the story, and seems to undo a lot of what’s come before. Then again, it’s definitely a crowd pleaser moment, and I don’t fault Stewart too much for it.

I didn’t expect “Legion” to break the mould, and for the most part it did meet most of my expectations. Ironically, had the film been a direct-to-DVD release, “Legion” would have met and exceeded all expectations. As a theatrical release, though, it probably needed just a little bit more to hit a home run. Confining much of the action to the Paradise Falls diner greatly limits Stewart’s ability to deliver an “epic” feel, but I suppose a combination of a limited budget (at least by Hollywood standards) and this being Stewart’s first film, it was probably very wise to limit the scope while hinting at a much bigger picture offscreen. For a former special effects man, there’s surprisingly very little monster make-up in “Legion”. Mind you, not that there aren’t any, but I had expected that someone who has been making a living in the field for as long as Stewart has (he’s worked on everything from “Iron Man” to the “Pirates of the Caribbean” films) to bring more in terms of monster action.

If the comments in some of our “Legion” threads are any indication, the film won’t find very many fans among those who read the Bible more than once a year. As a movie – a horror/action entry at that – “Legion” shows promise, but does falter in execution, especially in the middle section where the character pathos just seems to go on interminably. I would have liked to see more angel action, and have them be more fantastical in feel, but alas, that’s not to be. And as mentioned, Stewart’s film follows the plot beats of James Cameron’s two “Terminator” films closely, right down to the final scene, which leaves plenty of room for a sequel. I can picture the franchise continuing in direct-to-DVD form, but the box office numbers will tell the final tale.

Scott Stewart (director) / Peter Schink, Scott Stewart (screenplay)

CAST: Paul Bettany … Michael

Lucas Black … Jeep Hanson

Tyrese Gibson … Kyle Williams

Adrianne Palicki … Charlie

Charles S. Dutton … Percy Walker

Kevin Durand … Gabriel

Jon Tenney … Howard Anderson

Willa Holland … Audrey Anderson

Kate Walsh … Sandra Anderson

Dennis Quaid … Bob Hanson

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Tooth Fairy (2010)

Tooth Fairy (2010)

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Description:

A bad deed on the part of a tough minor-league hockey player results in an unusual sentence: He must serve one week as a real-life tooth fairy.

Movie Reviews:

If you told me ten years ago that Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson would sport a pink tutu, and fairy wings I would have called you insane. But that’s exactly what’s happens in Tooth Fairy, a family comedy that stars Johnson as the fabled creature who takes children’s teeth and leaves them money under their pillow. The film is directed by Michael Lembeck and he literally places Johnson in the land of fairies and forces him to act out every children’s fantasy known to man. It may be a joy for the kids but it turns out to be a nightmare for the adults…

The Players:

• Director: Michael Lembeck
• Writer: Lowell Ganz, Babaloo Mandel, Joshua Sternin, Jeffrey Ventimilia, Randi Mayem Singer
• Actors: Dwayne Johnson, Julie Andrews, Stephen Merchant, Ashley Judd, Ryan Sheckler, Billy Crystal, Seth McFarlane
• Music: George S. Clinton
• Director of Photography: David Tattersall, BSC

The Plot:

Tooth Fairy centers on Derek Thompson, an intimidating hockey player known for his ability to knock out his opponents teeth with his deadly charge. He has the ego to match his huge persona and makes sure that everyone around him knows who’s boss. One day he unwisely shatters the dreams of a young fan by telling them they can never grow up to be a success. This causes a domino effect that lands him in Lily’s (Andrews) fairy headquarters. He’s sentenced to two weeks hard time as a tooth fairy, and from that point on cliched laughter and slapstick gags ensue.

The Good:

• Billy Crystal: The stand up legend was the only actor who had any genuine comedic timing thanks to his background. He only had two scenes in the movie and both of them were the most memorable out of the entire film. He brought the talent, but most importantly he brought the laughs.
• Chase Ellison: The young actor stars as the son of Ashley Judd’s character and has some of the most emotional scenes in the film. He holds his own against someone as physically intimidating as Johnson without breaking a sweat. This kid is one to watch.

The Bad:

• Screenplay: The underlying premise of keeping the faith regardless of your age was great, but the script was filled with cliched dialogue and unoriginal content. Every important scene in the film that showed any type of character growth was ripped from somewhere else, and they weren’t trying to hide it.
• Johnson and Judd’s Chemistry: Watching these two play a couple was truly cringe-worthy. They’re both good looking, and you’d think they’d link up quite nicely but that wasn’t the case. Their intimate scenes appeared forced and unnatural.
• Special Effects: The visuals that were used to show the fairy magic looked very low budget. They didn’t come across as polished or professional, which is sad considering this is a major studio film.

Overall:

Tooth Fairy is an unoriginal family film that takes an old school lesson and adds nothing new to it. The film is filled with stale humor, bad effects, and with the exception of a few, mediocre acting. It’s not worth your time or money.

Rating: 4/10

Tooth Fairy will be in theaters on Friday, January 22nd

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